Kids of God

    I thought I will share my experience and feelings , when I became a mother. A mother of a Son with special needs. Yes. My going-to-be-four year Old Son , was born with Down Syndrome. Many among you who might read this post , may or may not know what is Down Syndrome. Well, I dont want to go into deeper medical terms. Let me put it simple. Usually , a normal human being is born with 46 chromosomes (23 pairs) but some , are born with 47 chromosomes , out of which people who have one extra in their 21st pair of Chromosome , are called people with Down Syndrome. What-ever, they have something "Extra" okay? Not less....:-D.

Going back to the day, my son came into our life. 23rd September , 2008. I was admitted to hospital on 22nd, a Monday, with labor pain. But finally , on 23rd , crossing 4:30 pm , my son was taken out , through an emergency section. He was a full term baby, with healthy weight and cried immediately . But the doctors had a doubt verifying his facial features and some of the general symptoms. Out of all the mental trauma I went through my pregnancy period, my only prayer was that ,a boy should be born to me. I had already nick-named him. I was waiting to see his face.

I was in the post operation ward, when my mother-in-law came running to me and declared that a "mentally retarded" child was born to me. At a stretch she told that he may not walk properly or talk properly or grow properly or might even not live long...etc etc etc.....

A mother,who had decided to end her life when she was pregnant , and later , chooses to live , just because , she strongly believed that It was a Boy that she was carrying , and he is going to change her life. Such a sarcastic , untimely news ,  before seeing her new born son , shatters such a mother. I was shattered into a thousand pieces. I cried....the nurses consoled me, saying that, "you have a sweet little boy , who looks exactly like you and he will be alright"....I dont remember those nurses face or name , but I am thankful to them for those "timely" words.

My parents , my best friend , who were all present at the time of delivery, smiled at me....assured me that there is nothing as I fear. Finally I saw my son. Wrapped in white clothes , a bunch of happiness, he came to my hands and I clutched him close and called him by his nick name , which I used to call  him when he was inside me..."Ponnunni....." ...the moment he heard that , he smiled delightfully and opened his eyes to see me.......I was , like any other mother, one of  the happiest women in the world.......

The nurse who saw my son's prompt reaction , told that, other than this ,there is no other proof  needed to prove that he is mentally a sharp child. Yes , he was a "special" kid, but he was and is brilliant....

The smart doctors of KIMS , Trivandrum , immediately sent his blood sample to Amritha hospital of Cochin , for a detailed karyotype analysis and confirmed that he was a child with Down Syndrome.

There begins my journey as a Mother of a so called "Special kid". Yes I admit that I have undergone each and every trauma and pain of having such a son. My anxiety , un-clarified justifications...I dint know where to start and what to do. Soon after I reached bangalore with my 5 month old son, I started doing a detailed research on Down Syndrome. In fact the A,B,C of it. Finally , I learnt that , with early intervention programs these kids can be bought forward in the society and there are so many people with Down Syndrome who work , marry and live an acceptable social life. Many of them are in the film industry or music industry or in the world of art and literature.

I learnt about the Vaidehi Institute of Rehabilitation at Whitefield , in Bangalore. I went there with my kid and soon after started his assessment programs and early intervention therapies. Speech, Behavioral , Physical therapies etc were performed on him , in order to develop his mental , physical , speech and motor skills.

During my visits to Vaidehi , I learnt that , I am not that single mother who face such a trauma. I saw kids with severe physical and mental problems. I saw acute stages of Mental retardation and saw kids with various Syndromes , with extra large heads , weak body , huge stomach , and I saw kids with Autism.

In-spite of my strained family life with my husband, I coped up with my son's situation and focused on his growth , even though in between , I broke up with frustrations , innumerable number of times. Actually arrival of my son , increased the distance between me and my husband , and finally I knew that the child had to be bought out of that mess.

The therapists insisted me to resign my job and stay with my child at home and warned me against leaving such a child to day-cares at an early stage. I quit my job , when I was at peak of financial problems and  suffocating family life. I came to Trivandrum , my home town ,to my parents. Then on,  my son actually grew up. My parents treated him the same way they treated me and my brother and never stressed the point that he was a "special" child. They dint over-stress me with anxieties of my son's lagged walking or speech .....they assured me that yes he was slow , but he can do it. They gave me the strength to go through the difficult journey of a by-then single parent of a special child.

There are lot of terms I hear, which  people use to address these kids of god. "Special kids" , "Abnormal child" , "Mentally retarded child" , "Intellectually disabled" child.......but I would like to say , my son , or any child like him , are not "Intellectually disabled" , but rather , "differently abled" children .....they have the ability to do things , but differently , than their chronological counterparts.

As I have read in many articles regarding Down Syndrome , written and experienced by many parents like me, Yes I can say that there is an angel in my home. My Son bought happiness to our home. We forget all the mental strain of my shattered family life , and fully concentrate on my lovely son. All possible treatments are given to him, along with the strong therapies . From Vaidehi we shifted to CDC and ICCONS of Trivandrum , and they are doing equally good job. His therapists insisted me to put him into a "Normal" School.

Now , that was another big challenge I faced. I had to walk around so many schools , requesting them to admit my son to the Pre-School. No one would take such a risk. The government schools have the permission to admit children with special needs and they have teachers who are trained to teach such kids. But the unfortunate facilities of government schools behold parents like us from putting them there. And the very famous private schools of the "rich" , I am not naming anyone....rejected my application. They had many excuses to say. Finally , I managed to get his admission into a very good , one of the oldest Montessori schools of Trivandrum. He is happy with his school and the school is happy with this social child.

Yes, he has peculiar characteristics which only his mother can understand, or his grand parents can understand....he cannot live without us.....his eating habits , his way of communications, his way behaving , everything is different.....but brilliant in his own way. His treatments and therapies has to be continued for long periods and I know that I will have to put double the effort of bringing up a normal child and work for his best. But I have no tensions of leaving him to day-cares , because of my loving parents and brother. I spent my extra office hours teaching him some Montessori activities , rhymes , phonetics and music. My parents teach him in their own traditional way .

He is a born musician, I Should say. Being a Karnatic Vocal student and Bharathnatyam student myself, I am able to get him involved into my practice sessions and yes , he grasps the thala system of music so fast. He enjoys good pictures , good cartoons , excellent music (Cinematic or Classical , vocal and especially instruments) , children rhymes and even classical stage shows.

I am proud to be his mother and I am sure one day he will make me more proud. My mental agony lies in when some people , who harshly ask me "your child has some problem , is it? " or "or child is mentally retarded , is it? " or "are you showing doctor or doing any treatments? " or "will your son speak ? or walk ? or can he see properly? ".................do they understand what goes in a mother's mind , when her child is being questioned upon for his mental or physical stability???? I mean , how can they ask such a thing directly ON FACE????? Most of them dont know what is Autism or Down Syndrome...or any other such problems with kids. They just know that they have healthy children and they have seen only healthy children in their families....and they are proud of that.

And this sympathizing is kind of being proud and satisfied internally that , thank god we have healthy children. These children need a society who treats them as their equal. They grow up well , similar to other children , just with some extra effort and the mentality of their surroundings , to treat them as "Normal".

Recently when I took my son to an old lady pediatrician   , she was happy and surprised to see that I was such a happy and enthusiastic mother , happily narrating my son's naughty stories at home. And the way he is a big comic. I would never curse my destiny. The doctor told me , she has got two healthy young sons. Both are highly educated and got married and settled. But none of them have the heart to take care of their old mother. After her husband's death , she is left all alone. So she told me, its better to have a son who needs his mother always , who lives in the present world , in the world of music and happiness , who doesn't know to be selfish , who is "Special" , rather than , having a healthy son who absorbs the major part of your age, love and money and then leaves you alone at your old age..............

Even the mothers who come with their kids to therapy centers look at me in doubt , as if "is she not at all unhappy that she has got a special child , when we are cursing our fate?" ....

Not all mothers will be given the privilege of growing up a special child. Only Special mothers gets that. And you need an extra strong will power to be such a mother.

Let me wind up saying a few more words. In the therapy centers, mostly , I see only mothers or maternal grandparents accompanying such children. I myself know three more mothers , who are single parents like me , with special children. Why so? Now that's again a different story............................

Black Gowns and Dark Days - Experiencing Family Court

A whole day in the family court is the most depressing segments of life one can presume.

'Black', is my favorite color , my best shopping choice , for clothes , shoes , bags , vehicles , or whatever unless another color is particularly required. The worst place I hate my this favorite color is the Court. My experience lies in the Family Court of Trivandrum though. The black gowns roaming around, darkens your thoughts , sense and expectations. Making you blind on the road of hope. In one word , Hopeless.

Me and my brother sat waiting under a shady tree outside the main building after giving my 4 year old son , Pranav , in the hands of my husband. His duration of monthly love from his father is subjected to 1 hour on every second Saturdays , as his unfortunate parents has decided to quit the journey together.

This month since we had an hearing for some cases on 18th of August , we took him that day . And unlike previous months , my husband, was actively playing around with his son and they were in our (my) visibility and dint try to move away, which is  again a surprising change.
Usually once he grabs the child from me , he prefers to just drown into the black crowd and disappear from my visibility , and just walk around with the child for one hour before returning him to me.

Now my son has started to realize his father , which seldom frightens me. I have no such fear that his father will take away him from me. Am not going into details regarding our strained relationship as I have kept it stored for another chapter of my life.

Let me come back to the court. This time me and my brother thought we would sit outside the depressing walls of the court with some air and light around. I had  Robin Cook's "Chromosome 6"  with me and in between enjoying the jokes my brother cracked , I concentrated on the interesting book. I could see the father and son enjoying in a distance , which gave me a joy of pride inside me. An again unfortunate father was looking at his son struggling to understand the behaviors of his grand child , within the granted One hour which was very less to draw the picture of love between a father and a son. I am talking about my ex-father-in-Law.

You can see many of such old people , whose ego and stubbornness is converted into big thick sharp knives in the hands of the "black" gowns of the court , and they in turn takes their chance , playing "butchers" in the lives of some sons and daughters like us.

Once while talking to the chief Counselor of the Family Court , soon after all of our three sittings for divorce case where done , she mentioned unhappily and guiltily , that there is nothing they can do to bridge the gaps between the couples sitting in front of them with strained hearts. All the psychology they had studied goes waste and in-vain  inside the four dark walls of the court. Their job becomes just to watch the game of throwing dirt over each other , by the couples , with the ease of watching a shuttle match. Their advocates and parents have taught them so many things in one or many days or months , that they get very less time to spit it out in front of the counselor , so that , their ex-partner is picturised as the most ugliest , most cruelest , most corrupted , and the worst partner anyone can have. The more they shout and gesturisze , the more you get your marks. At-least many of them sitting their thinks so. And , the most important.....your luck , is with the Advocates. Not for living together again , NOT AGAIN ,  but for SURE that you will be separated , with a huge "gain" off-course.

My advocate , who is not from the family court , advised me beneficially that speak the truth and show the genuine YOU , looking straight into the eyes of the Counselor , as you DONT have to prove your husband is or was cruel , but you just have to prove that there is truth on your side and your actions whatever where only reactions of the your husband's and his people's actions. She asked me to prove yourself , in your own words, and speak the truth. If you have committed any mistake , tell it out...and apologize . At any cost , even I should be guilty that the allegations where dragged to the court. And after speaking so , the Counselor has to decide which part is right and which part is wrong. She asked me dont by-heart any sentences or terms to speak there. When you see your husband , your child's father , you heart will automatically succumb to the fact that you are finally pleading in front of the law for Justice. Justice of Love....or LAW?

I pity each and every one of us , including me , who walk around the black dark walls of the family court for what so called Justice.

Actually a divorce case is like the war of Mahabharata. No one wins. Either sides lose. Its Tit for Tat and only aim is that the person who doesn't understand dharma , will NOT rule the land. So he should be avoided, at any cost.

Remembering a small incident compared to another incident in Mahabharata. When Krishna approaches Duryodhana  as a mediator , for Pandavas , and requests him to give them what they are rightful for, Duryodhana shouted and exclaimed that ,"The Pandavas will not get a minute sand to prick even a needle".
After my husband decided to abandon me and my child , we left behind all our clothes , my sons belongings , toys etc at the home where we stayed together. Some of our mutual friends approached my husband and requested him to give all the things that his wife and son were using , so that they can give them to us, as he is not planning to take us back again to his home or life.

He exclaimed "She will not get a minute sand from this home , if she wants she can fight for it in the court"....Now that concludes the story.

As I wrote in one of my previous posts , I dont understand the rules of the Institution called Marriage. All I understand is LOVE . And I just know that my husband LOVED me and I LOVED him once. Where did it go? It was darkened by the black gowns and dark walls of the Castle of the Witches. Its still there , but we can never find it in this darkness. We dont need these Family Courts for the heaven sake. We need someone who throws light on us.............we are TRAPPED.

Now , let me remind you.......Whether he gives me what I left behind or not , whether he pays my maintenance or not , whether he gives back my gold or not .....None of us will win the case of Life and Love.

 We both are already the LOSERS.

Institution of Marriage

        In my previous post , I wrote about our heart. Heart , as the messenger of Love. I mentioned a man and woman are a part of the love story , until they sign the Contract. That is the Contract of Marriage. Few years before , I heard a Film Actress , explain the reason why she doesn't want to get married , in an interview , that "Marriage is an Un-realistic  institution .

That striked me intensively . Me , myself , being the victim of an unsuccessful marriage now , can confidently support that statement . But I took years to realize why she called it an Un-realistic  institution.

An institution built up with laws . So the "relationships" that come into our life , following this law , has the suffix "IN-LAWS" . Mother-in-law , Father-in-law ,Sister-in-law, Brother-in-law etc. As and when you 'break" any of the laws listed in the contract of marriage , the play-card cottage built with these "IN-LAWS" falls and shatters.

Some of these laws are written in the books of Judiciary , where as some are colloquially understood from generations , while some are verbally explicitly , told. How ever , the rule is you either "Follow" the laws , happily or un-happily (no one bothers, really) , or "Quit" the game (everyone really bothers , especially the society !!!)

As one of the books of Chethan Bhagath, "Two States - The story of my marriage"  mentions , in India , a boy likes the girl , girl likes the boy , they decide to get married , but boy has to like girl's parents , girl has to like boy's parents , girl's parents have to like the boy , boy's parents have to like the girl , finally both the parents has to like each other and then the relatives come in...........and at last when marriage is finalized and executed , the girl and the boy struggle for all the above "compatibilities"  , that they forget to love each other!!!

Love becomes so complicated . Your poor heart does not understand the Law of marriage or any laws governing the society. Let me brief you the evolution of marriage as a contract. Its from what I have read from so many authors so far.

In Olden days , when man used to depend on Nature for his livelihood , he learned food is for hunger , that can be plants , fruits or flesh , water is for thirst ,the woods for shelter , leaves to cover your body etc. Slowly he learns that , if he works on soil , it can reproduce him want he wants, in a single place , without wandering for food. When he worked hard and grew his food for his benefit , he feared if it will be snatched by other fellow beings . So he learned that Soil can be made in his name. He learns to build a Wall around his piece of land. He built his own house inside that wall. Now he has everything , but what if he dies ? Who will use what he made with his effort? He realized that only his own blood has the rights to use the product of his effort. But till now he enjoyed love and sex , from where ever he wandered . Now he learns that a Woman should be bought and registered in his name , so that , her soul duty is to give birth to his children and look after his household. ONLY HIS. Law of marriage starts here.

Now its said that when god created man , he created him like all other animals , naked , without cloths to cover his nudity. But from the time he started to cover his nudity with leaves or barks or later cloths , he learned to be "Shameful" . And he learned to be "Curious" to know what is "hidden" . You know the after effects of this curiosity .
Similarly , when he learned to build a Wall around his land and in turn ,his heart, he developed the curiosity to peep above the Wall. When Law is made , the man tends to "break" the law.  In our terms , there evolved the eternal term ,  "Sin".

Thus loving another man's wife or another woman's husband became a "Sin" . In India , relationships are important , not Individuals. We don't understand that Individual growth is necessary , but not the lengthy relationships alone.  The kshathriyas used to marry for power . More relatives , more relations with powerful kingdoms , bought in more Power. Woman was used as the barter then and now.Woman , increased the generations and woman bought in relatives and power.

After that , people married their sons and daughters to anyone in their family , in the blood line , so that the properties don't flow outside the family's "Wall".

Now there is no kingdom or nor anyone wants this "power of relatives" . They are self-sufficient with a small family, happy family ethic - father , mother , son and daughter and  the daughter-in-law , gets ample space if she brings in "ample" gold and money from her home , for the good of husband's home , else struggles to fit into the picture of this happy family , because they keep pushing her from all sides , unless she is OUT of it.

She gets enough money , that's not enough , she has to learn to be dumb and blind , even though she can speak and see. She has to by-heart the laws in the Contract of marriage. If she doesn't get the support of this contract , she is left alone.

Now if the female is from a rich background and male is not , then its he who has to be dumb and blind and better if he forgets his people and learn to "Love" her family more than anything . Its like winning a lottery .

So where did the ethics of Love go? Did the system of marriage develop the culture of the society we built ? Why is it that rape , prostitution , so called extra-marital affairs etc increases day by day? Why is it that most literate states like Kerala needs to open another court to accommodate more divorce cases each day ??? When the so called "most" trusted and most "purest" form of love ,the 'marriage' exists, why does everyone want to "steal" love???? Have you given a thought?


When "slaves" of years , are released , they become "culprits" in the open world. When your heart is bound by restrictions and not freely allowed to love , and when finally someday it gets its freedom, it forgets what is legal and what is Illegal.

Teach our next generation to Love . Don't teach them , what is "Moral" and what is "Immoral" . When purest form of Love will be evolved., when the new generations will learn to love without laws and conditions , when they love without contracts , when they learn that there is nothing called "Sin" , they will automatically learn what is the real "Moral" of the story.

Give love and take love , Love and be Loved.

Story of Your Heart - The Love

When this blog will post what my heart speaks , let the first write-up be about the heart itself. When we talk about heart, the first thing that comes to our mind is 'Love' . This little word has fascinated not only me , but in-numerous poets , musicians , artists , film-makers , authors and even an ordinary home-maker. What is it about this word, that is so fascinating? Well, I don't want  to present a repeating article about Love.

Let me speak about my version of love. You hear people say , or you yourself say , that your heart can love only one person sincerely, there is just one sincere love in your life , etc. That's the biggest lie I have ever heard. Imagine , your heart is divided into various sections. Each section has its own likes and dislikes , dos and don't dos. Thus each section evolves into mind and thoughts of different individuals . Each of these sections loves different persons , same time , with same intensity or rather , sincerity. You want examples?

Let me give you some preliminary examples first. Your parents , siblings , children , cousins , relatives , friends , spouse , even your pet , are some of the physical examples connected with your life and duties and your first school , first bike , first job , first mobile , first crush , your favorite dress , favorite color , favorite cuisines , favorite places , favorite songs , favorite movies , favorite authors , favorite books , your ideal man/woman, your patriotism , your political interest , favorite hobbies , your passions , favorite teacher ,etc are some of the emotional examples connected with your nostalgia ......you LOVE all of them.....versions of love......they are loved by the same 'you' , by a one and only one Heart you have.

Your good old heart has the capacity to hold all of them.......and most important , it does not leave anyone to accommodate  the other....it loves all of them , at the Same time!!!

We say, all those who are connected with our duties are part of our life and they have to be 'liked' and all connected with our emotions and nostalgia are facts that makes us what we are and they have to be 'remembered' and cherished.......but apart from these if we have to be in Love , its a boy and girl OR man and woman , who exchange each other with those romantic glance and repeat the three famous words 'I LOVE YOU' ....and they become and continue to be the part of this Love story , until , they sign the contract. Got it? I will get you there.

You as a person are connected with each of these material or immaterial facts , in the names of  tagged 'Relationships' . You have built a WALL around them . If you are a daughter , you can sit near your father , hugging him, as there are tags around you that you are 'father' and 'daughter' , not 'man' and 'woman' . Similarly for a 'mother' and 'son' , a 'brother' and 'sister' . You can say you know your classmate , because he is your 'classmate' . You can say 'he' is my friend because 'he' studied with me in school/college or 'he' worked or works with me. you can say I went to his house because my family knows him , You can say I smiled at him because , he lives in my neighborhood (applicable to 'she's also) . Everywhere , you stress the 'type' of relationship you have with the other person. You want to prove , why you know or like him. Else you are afraid that people will wrongly take it as the so called 'Affair' , more similarly , 'Love Affair' .

Love with your boy friend is to be kept a Secret , but love to your 'friend' or parents or siblings are not at all
a secret , because , by relationship , you HAVE to love them. That's what you are taught. Love , those , who are tagged as Yours , in the directory of society. The very moment you distract a small toddler boy , from giving a rose to a toddler girl, and scold them for doing so, you teach your kids the first lesson of being 'Selfish' . You teach them to be secretive , to hide things . It tempts them to do things that are forbidden . Like the Adams Apple.....

You restrict your poor heart . You keep instructing your heart , that , 'this is wrong , dare you do it.'. You warn your heart , you criticize your heart , you threat it , you hypnotize it , you struggle your entire life from peeping to the world outside that WALL you had built, the WALL of relationships and laws..restricting yourself from exploring the real individual in you and those outside the WALL. and you say proudly,
I am learning to Self-Control my feelings.............

Our heart satisfies each bit of its requirements from several persons in and around the WALL , but not all requirements is satisfied from one single person. Else, you don't need a father in his place or you don't need a  mother in her place or you don't need siblings in their place or you don't need friends when you have your family already.........everyone justifies their purpose in your life.

Remembering the words in a song sung by the famous Poet Kumaranaashaan - "Snehamaanu akhilasaaramoozhiyil" - meaning , Love is the one and only essence of the universe. So allow your heart to Love. Yes , there are cons and pros for what I said. But what I am trying to point out is that we are living in a society where every other "Non-Sense" is practiced , but simply "Loving" is considered "Sense-less"!!!!!

This is where I want to begin my journey , towards where I want to be.......here my heart will speak , all those , which it never could otherwise....the inner me , who knows me , who understands me , who sees through me , who listens to me and who breaths through me .....you will see 'that' me here...in my own little space.........'My Heart Speaks' , I thought would be an apt title for my space , when really my heart wants to Speak! .....welcome all.......

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